Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
