I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I supernannyed him into submission
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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