My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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