I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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