hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
