So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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