remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
