We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So apparently I’m into choking now
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
