I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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