New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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