I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
