mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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