Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
