Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
