You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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