I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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