So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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