I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
