We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
