come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
