Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
