party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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