I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I cockslap morals
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
