I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize