Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
