Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize