Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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