im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
