i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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