How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
