Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
