she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
