why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
