tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Randomize
