I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
