where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I love you. Go after that dick
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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