I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
