so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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