If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
