You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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