I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
