Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
