my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
