who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
