I skipped work to stalk him.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
