I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
