I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
