the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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