I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
