If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
