FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
