Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
